Take My Yoke Upon You

On February 6, 2015 we found out we were having a boy!  Twelve days later we learned he didn’t have a heartbeat.  The next five days together were spent as a family.  My anger came out in being snappy with my husband and kids.  I also became more sarcastic.  Laron would tell me not to lift anything heavy, to not do certain things or to be extra careful.  I would rudely respond with, “What am I going to do? Kill a dead baby?  I was really trying to suppress my anger as a strength to my family, but it didn’t come with love and compassion.

This is our second miscarriage in two and a half years.  The previous time we were six weeks along.  This recent pregnancy, Laron and the children became more involved and more excited!  I was a little past-feeling.  I didn’t want to deliver this baby that everyone wanted to see.  I knew what is like to pass or deliver an unborn baby.  I didn’t want to relive it.

The morning of, I asked Laron to give me a Priesthood blessing.  I had one earlier that week, but I didn’t realize how scared I was to go into labor again.  In the blessing, I was told that the Lord was grateful for me to be willing to be a vessel for this Spirit to gain a body.  I didn’t know I was willing, but the Lord knows me and my faith and desires to be an instrument in His hands each day.  This point is why I feel I need to share this with many others who have been through similar experiences.  The Lord knows you, loves you, knows your faith and desires to serve Him.

My main concerns, being a high-risk patient, I wanted to keep all my female parts and know I could have another successful pregnancy if the Lord allowed.  My family really wanted to see the baby which meant I would be induced and deliver this baby.  I know ultimately, this was my decision to make.  We went ahead with the delivery.  The Labor and Delivery nurses at St. Luke’s-Boise couldn’t have been better!  I had two nurses assigned to me and they treated me like a Queen!

My parents, sister and niece drove hundreds of miles to help Laron and I with our four beautiful children.  My prayers were all answered!  I wanted to have it happen while Laron had work off, I wanted our children to be near after the birth, and I wanted to have no further complications in the delivery that would prevent me from being able to be a vessel of the Lord.

What I didn’t expect to be an outcome of this special day-was how spiritual the whole day felt.  We invited our children to come in after the birth.  The reverence in the room expanded as our children watched this lifeless body being held and loved.  Laron told them that his body is here but his spirit is outside of his body now.  His spirit was felt in the room.

My family soon left and Laron’s parents, who also drove hundreds of miles, were able to come up later during the week.  Earlier that week, I thought of how special it was to have every woman in our family who had a miscarriage or stillborn be able to come help us in our hour of need.  I hope and pray that it was healing for them as well to be here in our tender moments and mercies with the Lord!